You open yourself to the benign indifference of the universe... and everything starts there.
and then that one day comes…
and you just let go of everything.
finally, you are happy.
God gives me a box of chocolate
I will savor each one
Date a man who dreams.
Date a man who doesn’t spend his money on drink, or clothes, or video games, but saves what he has to go on adventures and pursue his dreams. He might have problems dealing with everyday things but no-one sees the possibilities life holds like he does. This is a man who…
oras lang naman makakapagsabi para malaman mo na lahat sila pare-parehas lang
sa una lang naman papormahan, pagentleman, pasweet, pabait, pag nakita na nila ang mali sayo ung prinsesang nakita nila nagiging katulong na dapat sumunod sa bawat sinabi nila.
siguro hindi nila alam kung gano kasakit.
pwede din alam nila
siguro wala sila pake o sayo lang talaga sila wala pake alam.
Kaya mo tiisin ang sakit ng di nila nalalaman pero pag may ginawa ka na di nila gusto siguradong papamuka nila sayo na ang laking problema ang dinulot mo sa buhay nila.
lahat ginagawa mo para mapagaan ang trabaho nila pero ang nakikita lang nila ay kung ano nagawa mong mali.
ikaw gusto nila baguhin ugali mo pero pag sila na susumbatan ka na bakit mo sila binabago.
pag ikaw nakakaistorbo sasabihin insensitive at callous ka pero pag gigisingin ka nila sa gitna ng tulog mo wala lang
kahit alam nila may sakit ka kukulitin ka nila pero pag sila may sakit bawal ka mag salita bawal ka mang gulo bawal ka tumawag dyan ka lang
tumahimik ka lang dyan
wag ka iimik
wag ka gagalaw
wag ka magiisip
wag kang kikibo
siguro kelangan mo magsimula ulit ng bago
dun sa magtuturing sayo na prinsesa ulit
walang bahid ng dumi
walang bahid ng mali
sa susunod na pagkakataon bawal ka magkamali
mananatili kang perpekto
isasaloob mo lahat ng problema at sakit
wala ka ipapakita
kailangan mo maging perpekto
para manatili ang ilusyon
upang manatili ang kapayapaan
para maging masaya
I left a part of me in Binondo
The truth must be concealed
Once it is revealed
The illusion would break down
And reality sets in
In silence, I hear a voice. I can hear someone speak. At time, the sound is deafening. I look around to see if anyone can hear the same voice I’m hearing and if they can hear the same voice, do they hear it as well as I do? Are they listening? This must be how animals felt. The annoying barking of dogs that kept me awake at night and drove me to throw buckets of cold water in the second floor veranda in order to force them to stop. Speaking is after all different from being understood. Like speaking a language that no one understands - a language that exists in a country long forgotten or a country that had been incinerated by the Germans or the Ice age. Who am I fooling when I pretend to speak the language of the normal? In the same line, who am I fooling when I pretend not to understand the language I have spoken since birth?
I wonder if Sign Languages deliver a louder sound than the Spoken Word or clearer than the Image of Written Letters.
In darkness, I see an image as vivid as when one looks up at the clouds in a fine sunny day. Am I the only one looking up at the sky? And if they are looking up at the sky, are they looking up at the same patch of clouds?
I walked around but all O see is the indifference of a universe that refuses to be moved. Why am I the only one who can hear her voice? Why am I the only one who can see her face? And if I’m the only one who hears her, if I’m the only one who can see her, isn’t it that the responsibility to let her be known fall unto me? To let the world that she exists? That she is here? That she had been speaking to us all this time?
A voice that only I could hear. A voice that has been silenced and ignored. I want to write for her. I want to be able to reach her soul and so I write
From the Heteropic Space Of The Unnoticed.
What if I was asked the wrong question?
How then would I arrive at the right answer?
For I have ceased to write. I have stopped writing for the deaf, the blind, and the indifferent. Somehow, Questions no longer need to be asked. Somehow, Ideas no longer need to be discussed. Somehow, problems no longer need to be solved. Somehow, life seemed to me… utterly senseless.
It’s been three years or so when I realized that my writing would never come to life. It would never get out of the pages that I doodled with as my professors contemplate on being and nothingness, potentiality and actuality, real and the unreal. In one way or another, the drive had died down. The urge became easier to stop. Thoughts became nothing but what it was.
What happened you may ask? Life did.
The realization that nothing would come out of the purging.
The value of thoughts is only significant to the one who possessed them. I would have loved to write for those sought wisdom or guidance. I would have loved to write for the lonesome, for those in need, for those who knew the value of ideas, the weight of words and the pain of having to acquire feelings.
Yes, I did write. I wrote because the hand can write what the mouth cannot bear to speak or rather what it has no capacity to articulate. As naive as I was, I thought that maybe he, whoever “he” is, can read what I have written and it would let him know where I am, what I’m doing, how I felt all those years of absence and who I came to be. If once, I have failed to change his mind then maybe after reading what I have written he may have a change of heart.
It never once occurred to me that the black ink would have been tinted in white.
I have shouted in the Himalayas only to find words being echoed back to me. I have crossed back and forth between cities but there is yet something to be seen. I found myself alone. Life went on without me and it will keep on going without hearing what I have to say
Maybe if there was a time, if only just once someone said,
I can hear you
I’ve been listening
I see you
Maybe it may have had a difference
Minsan alam mo naman nagsisinungaling sayo
pero paniniwalaan mo
at pag mag isa ka nalang
uulit-ulitin mo mga sinabi niya sa utak mo
tatanungin mo sa sarili mo bakit ganto bakit ganyan
kung kelan ka nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob magpakatotoo
babaligtad ang mundo
Maalaala mo ung saglit na panahon na naging okay ka
ung panahon na isat kalahating taon mo pinaghirapan marating
mga panahon na hindi mo pinaniniwalaan ang sinasabi ng kahit sino mang tao
mga panahon na ayaw mo magpadala sa salita o sa gawa
tatanungin mo sa sarili mo
bakit ka pumayag?
ano ba ginawa niya o sinabi niya para magbago ang isip mo
ano ba ang ngyari para harapin mo ang kinatatakutan mo
bakit ka ba nagbago?
at bakit siya nagbago noong nagbago ka
tatanungin mo sarili mo
hindi ba iyon ang ginusto nya sayo? na magbago ka, na makuha ka?
o baka dahil nakuha ka na kaya nagbago siya
aalalahanin mo bawat gabi ng pangarap
aalalahanin mo bawat araw ng saya
at pagiisipan mo kung gaano katotoo ang lahat
siguro dapat sa umpisa palang alam mo na
siguro hindi lang mapigilan na maging tanga
na baka pwede ka pa umasa
na itong pagkakataon may pupuntahan na ung pag-asa
kasi sabi niya e
yun. sinabi niya, na parang lie-proof ang bawat salitang lalabas sa kanya
hindi naman condom ang salita para maproteksyonan ka
hindi naman condom ang salita para pagkatiwalaan mo, wala itong trust.
hindi mo alam kung bakit ganon ka bilis
hindi mo alam kung saan ka mismo nagkamali
dati nagkakamali ka dahil gusto mo umalis
pero ngayon mukang nagkamali ka dahil gusto mo manatili
nakakabaliw naman ito, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar, ano iisipin, ano paniniwalaan. mukang wala ng next time sayo para sa kanya o kahit kanino, sigurado ka naman, kung may next time sa ibang tao, ganto din mangyayari. pag nahulog ka na, iiwan ka ng ganon. ang daya naman.
ano bang ginawa mong napakasama para mangyari sayo ang lahat ng to.
He proved to me… just like the rest had
that I can forgive those who had done me wrong
but when it is my turn to make a mistake
I can never be forgiven…
I am not someone to be forgiven
and so… I cannot make mistakes…
I am not allowed to make mistakes
you chose to choose him
he chose to make you an option
how is that supposed to feel?